Your Sense of Self is a Lie.
…And That’s a Good Thing
There Is No Spoon
When you strip away all the narratives of your life — I’m smart, dumb, a leader, a bad parent, a hard worker, lazy, not good enough, the better half — there is no self left. These narratives we tell ourselves or that others have told us are all lies. By “lies”, I mean that they are our perceptions. We think they are truths because to think otherwise would drive us insane. Herein lies the problem: some of these accepted truths are supportive but all too many of them are destructive. Yet we rationalize them with equal weight and incorporate them into our identity.
Each narrative in turn sets the foundation for our rationalization and incorporation of the next narrative. Supportive narratives are the foundation for new supportive narratives and buffer us against destructive narratives. Destructive narratives are the foundation for new destructive narratives and buffer us against supportive narratives. I contend that if you were to run this process in reverse, you would find at its core no self, no identity. A blank slate.
This probably sounds scary. To me, it feels liberating. Because none of these narratives are encoded in your DNA, we get to choose which ones we keep and what new ones to create.
What Is Narrative
What do I mean by “narrative” in this context? Narrative is any story that you repeat to yourself and you believe is true. There are common examples all around that you’ve either said yourself or heard others say.
“I’m not smart enough to _____ (do math, learn science, lead a project, …).”
“I’m no good at relationships.”
“I will never amount to anything.”
“The universe is always against me.”
“I always seem to come out ahead.”
“I will get that next promotion.”
“I’m stupid and do stupid things.”
The list comes down basically to anything that you think about yourself, good or bad. Some narratives can be extremely helpful, such as “I have always been good at math.” Other narratives undermine you, such as “I am not worthy of love.” Narratives can be explicit and obvious: “I manage a large team and have cultivated relationships based on respect and support.”
More often, narratives operate in the background, especially when they were given to us at an early age by parents, authority figures, or peers. And because these pre-date a strong sense of self and came from those we saw as authoritative, we took them as truth. Good or bad, supportive or destructive, we took them as a reflection of our true nature when, in fact, they are simply someone else’s narrative that we unconsciously chose to carry around.
Letting Go of Lies
The good news is: those narratives can be set down. And you can walk away from them. Narratives are not you; they do not spring out of some truth of who you are, as if they were as inseparable from you as your DNA. Narratives are created only through an experience with the outside world and your perception of that experience. Meaning, when we think the narrative is about us, it is truly only about that specific interaction with the outside world in that moment. Yet, more often than not and especially when that moment has emotional impact, we internalize that narrative and carry it around as if it were true.
An example: a young woman has entered the workforce just out of college. She worked hard on a project that was outside of her comfort zone, picking up new skills where necessary. In the presentation to the client, there was a mistake. Afterwards the boss goes off on her, “Maybe I was wrong to expect this much from you. Obviously you’re way over your head and aren’t capable of working at this level or directly with clients.”
Whose narrative is this? Perhaps the young woman looks back at all the effort she put in and thinks, “This should have been easier, so maybe the boss is right and no one else would have had to work this hard. Maybe I’m not so good at this.”
It’s equally possible the boss was projecting. He didn’t step in to help with the project and didn’t review the presentation, so he covered his ass to shift the blame down the chain. If it’s truly his narrative, then it might mean he believes that accepting some responsiblity highlights his failures as a boss and puts his own sense of identity and livelihood at risk.
A different boss might have responded with a supportive message, congratulating the young woman after the presentation. “Don’t worry about that mistake. I’ll reach out to the client and let them know it’ll be resolved immediately. That aside, your effort really paid off. I know how much you put into this and the growth is obvious. Given a tough and interesting project, I imagine you’re unstoppable!” It’s easy to imagine the young woman develops a very different narrative and sense of self in this case.
In this example, each boss offers a different narrative. The young woman gets to choose which she carries with her forward and which she rejects. That said, the process is largely subconscious and saying “you get to choose” is much easier than doing it.
A Personal Example
I used to think, “I’m stupid because I’m constantly doing stupid things.” No amount of success or validation had ever changed that narrative. In the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the narrative that I’m stupid held strong.
It wasn’t until I learned more about how my brain works that I began to understand why “I did stupid things”. Where some might have hammers and nails with which to approach a problem, I was bringing a screwdriver and screws. And for forty-or-so years, starting in my early teens, I could not for the life of me turn my screwdriver into a hammer. Worse, my failures to do so only reinforced my dismal view of my self.
Now that I recognize what tools I have at my disposal and how they work, I know that I’m not stupid. Instead, I know that I solve problems differently than some. Cleared of the destructive narrative I carried for so long, I can even see in which situations a screwdriver is better. And is a gift.
Buying into this narrative happened many decades ago, when I was young and had no means to understand brain science or psychology. But it was still a lie all the same, one that has had decades of experience and new narratives layered on top. Letting go of this lie and choosing not to carry it anymore is not at easy as I make it sound. I am determined though to do just that.
Making a Different Choice
It starts with making a different choice. That choice is made possible by first becoming aware of the narrative. After that, you ask two critical questions:
Is what I’m hearing/experiencing really my narrative? Maybe it’s really about the other person or very specific to this moment in space and time.
What do I feel about myself is true in this moment?
Or perhaps Adam Savage said it best, “I reject your reality and substitute my own.”
Just as you get to choose what food you put in your body, you get to choose what narratives you subscribe to and which you choose to reject. This includes those narratives you’ve carried around forever. Even if you can’t outright drop them and walk away, you can whittle away at them. Once you’ve identified the lie, make a different choice each time it comes up. Find the narrative that supports you, and put that one in its place. I promise you’ll be amazed at how it feels as it takes root.
What's Next?
If I’m correct about narratives, then choosing your narratives becomes incredibly empowering. The work of neuropsychologists, such as Chris Niebauer, supports that there is no self outside of these narratives. The writing of Viktor Frankl makes clear that how we think about ourselves has a profound impact on our identity and our view of the future. Carol Dweck’s work with growth mindset echoes Viktor Frankl’s points and shows how even a single word can dramatically change a narrative that defines you.
“I’m not good at math” becomes “I’m not good at math yet.”
So what’s next? Become aware of the narratives in your life. Take notice of those that you have created yourself and identify those you imported from someone else. Ask if a narrative truly aligns with your best self and who you want to be or if it’s keeping you from moving forward. Stop carrying around those narratives that are not your own or whittle them away slowly if you find they are deeply rooted.
When you find yourself saying “I can’t” when confronted by a tough problem, start adding the word “yet.” Then inquire into the steps between here and there. “I can’t” is a closed door. “Yet” opens that door so that you can see the path forward.
There are many interpretations of the movie The Matrix. For me, it revolves entirely around the question, “Who’s narrative are you living?” Is someone else writing it for you, or are you taking pen in hand to write it for yourself. When Neo takes the red pill, he awakens to the real world. Slowly he begins to realize that he is free to determine the rules and parameters of his own life. And he gains agency over his own future.
"Remember... all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more." – Morpheus (The Matrix)
Final Thoughts on Exporting Narratives
Up to this point, I’ve discussed the narratives you create and the narratives you import from others. I’d like to close with a quick thought on exporting narratives. If you can see the impact the imported narratives of others, good or bad, have had on your own life, then you can also become aware of how you export narratives.
As a parent, what narratives are you encouraging in your children? Does your language, even when well meaning, suggest a narrative of “failing to live up” or “limited ability”? Or perhaps you remind your child that failure is part of growth and you ask, “What have you learned from this and how might you apply it next time?”
As a teacher, what impact do your interactions with your students leave on them? Does it encourage learning or an acceptance of limitation and failure?
As a boss, what impact do your interactions with your team leave on them? Do they want to redouble their efforts when confronted by a tough problem or do they go into it worried what failure means about their career?
As a partner or a friend, do you see and encourage greatness or do you focus on the flaws?
What sort of narratives are you exporting?
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