thank you, demon
July 16, 2023
In case it’s not apparent, let me make clear that these entries are intended to be raw, unscripted, barely edited, and honest. It’s part of the promise I’ve made to myself when I put down the mask. It also means the entries don’t necessarily end up where I intended. In rereading the previous entry, I drifted from my intention—core untruths I tell myself—into a somewhat deeper discussion on narratives. I want to return to those untruths, mainly because of where I am today.
The I AM UNWORTHY untruth hid deep inside my narratives. Only recently did I realize it was the wizard behind the curtain pulling the levers of my life. On the other hand, the second pillar of my belief system sat on the surface, making itself loud and clear.
I AM STUPID.
This untruth has been insidious. While believing I AM UNWORTHY has certainly held me back in life, telling myself I AM STUPID has crushed me.
I’m bringing this up today because I feel it right now, despite having dismissed the untruth some time ago. I mentioned previously that I was diagnosed with ADHD. The awareness that came with the diagnosis and the learning that followed helped me to put a lot of my experiences in context. It’s been figuring out the meds, though, that has had the most significant impact. I have taken that for granted until, like today, I forget to take them, and the brain I’ve been warring with for decades steps back onto the field.
A group call was scheduled for this afternoon. It was too late to take the meds (they take an hour to kick in and it was already late in the day). I downed some espresso, hoping the caffeine would help. A few minutes into the call, it was quickly apparent it wasn’t. I couldn’t focus. When it was my turn to speak, I had difficulty getting my thoughts lined up and could feel myself stumbling over my words. My awareness of the moment kickstarted a separate thread in my brain as I watched myself fumble along, panic, and try to tell myself to pull it together.
How obvious this was to anyone else doesn’t matter. I might have appeared more smooth than I felt, but I don’t care. From inside my head, I could feel the old demon climbing back up onto my shoulder to whisper in my ear, “Repeat after me. ‘I AM STUPID’.”
Here’s the thing, I know I’m not stupid. While I’m not the smartest guy you’ve ever met, I can hold my own. Ironically, my ADHD is a gift that allows me to think in systems and see webs of relationships that, I guess, others cannot naturally see. But when I cannot participate in what I consider to be a normal way, I feel broken.
So here’s the unfiltered truth: this I AM STUPID mantra I’ve repeated thousands of times has led me down some dark paths. I’ve struggled with depression. For decades. At times, I can reach a sort of steady state and gain some momentum until something small trips me up. Then I’m spiraling and flirting with suicide as an escape from the self-inflicted torture. That’s something I’ve very rarely shared with anyone, even family. Here I’m shouting it from the rooftops.
I need to shout it out loud—but not because I need someone to hear me and be worried about me. I will be fine. I am fine. I want to share this because I need someone to hear me, even just one person, and realize they are not alone.
My experience on the group call felt horrible, but now I’m glad it happened the way it did. Over the last year, I’ve lifted myself to a new plane and a newly discovered self-confidence. That’s given me a calm port to return to so that I can reflect on times like these. I see now the opportunity this gave me to share my experience and embrace what it means to put down the mask. And to let go of the untruths that haunt me.
Sure the demon climbed up on my shoulder. And I panicked. In taking the moment to journal, reflect, and process it all, I can now say, “Thank you. Thank you for reminding me—not of who I was, as you hoped, but—of how far I have come.”
This is how I’m learning who I am.
I appreciate these moments that open my eyes, even when it’s really fucking uncomfortable.
Most of the time. But sometimes, it’s just fucking uncomfortable.
How about this for a kick in the head…. I shared a summary of this entry with my good buddy and fellow podcaster. After picking his jaw up off the floor, he explained about the poem he had heard just this morning.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Rumi